why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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