I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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