how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
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