You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Randomize
