It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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