I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Randomize
