Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom