I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
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