Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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