if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
