I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
