drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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