he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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