ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
