I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Did I show you my penis last night?
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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