yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
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