I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.