I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.