When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I'm like, not good at living.