Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
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I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
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Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.