the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
