You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
