There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Randomize
