why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Be still, my beating vagina.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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