Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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