You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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