I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
