3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
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