Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
