I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
