24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
