??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
