My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Is Oprah even human
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
Randomize
