I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
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Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
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