The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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