I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
