And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I pour the whiskey from now on
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Randomize
