i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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