I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
