Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Congratulations! We have a period
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
