just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
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