I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Where are you guys?
Drunk
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
