Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
