just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
