See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I just got carded by a ten year old.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
