the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
