Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
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