went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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