The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I feel like death gave me a hand job
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
