Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
