wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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