you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Randomize
