I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Randomize
