You're a womanizer and a bitch.
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
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I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
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I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
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