ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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