Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
40s are totally the cure
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Randomize
