Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
