my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
