I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
