Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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