Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize