I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
