He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
